Wednesday, April 14, 2010
Saturday, March 27, 2010
- 2001: The future. Ricky arrives at the private franchised prison.
- The innocent old man who builds a wooden toy train for his son is ambushed in the bathroom. Ricky trips the main thug onto the toy causing said toy to plunge into thugs eye.-eye blood. Splatter.
- 400 pound prisoner Zorro is sent for revenge in showers. Ricky punches a hole through Zorro's stomach. -gutsy splatter.
- Ricky crushes thug's fingers while he himself has a nail through his own.
- Tattooed muscle ravaged Oscar takes a machete to the side of a snitches face. Yikes.
- Oscar, leader of the Gang of Four, fights Ricky in the yard. begin sub bullets here.
- Oscar blinds Ricky with glass shavings -eye blood.
- Ricky gets arm split open -arm blood.
- Ricky knocks Oscars eye out -more eye blood.
- Oscar cuts own stomach open and strangles Ricky with own intestine -intestie blood.
- Ricky clobbers Oscars skull with high tech punch.-x-ray effect.
- Gang of four (now three) show up and big guy crushes defenseless prisoners skull. There are several youtubes of this. Seen on The Daily Show with Craig Kilborn
- Gang of four slice mute younger brother of Oscar's lower jaw off. Jaw dropping. Then they mutilate his body. As funny as it sounds.
- Spooky Warden shows up and pokes a prisoners eye out with his cane -eye blood.
- Ricky tears big guy Gang of Four's jaw off. Jaw dropping part 2.
- Ricky is beaten with a pipe and has razorblades shoved in his mouth.
- Ricky spits razors in wardens face.
- Ricky knocks the top of a snitches head off that ratted out his buddy.
- Funny prison riot. A lot of fun voice overs.
- The warden puts a prisoners arm in an over sized industrial meat grinder then feeds the arm to his kid.
- The warden doubles in size in some paranormal trick that turns him into a muscle packing monster to fight Ricky.
- Greatest ending ever. The warden is short work for Ricky as Ricky pushes him in the meat grinder by his head. Blood bath is an understatement.
- Ricky punches huge hole in prison wall and walks off into the sunset.
The whole movie contains flashbacks of Ricky and his girlfriend running through meadows and giggling but since there is no eye blood in these scenes it is not worth elaborating. If you can ever get a chance to see this movie you must!
Riki Oh: The story of Ricky is surely of 5 star Onestarcinema quality. I can watch this one over and over and over again with any set of pals or simply alone with a good libation and bowl of walnuts.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The Devils' Rain
First of all with the powerhouse acting of, , , , and Who cares what the movies about. Nonetheless it is about Satan. The movie starts with the credits riding over Hieronymus_Bosch which would only leave you to believe you're in for a treat. Of course too many treats are not always a good thing. Here's the deal. In this corner we have the Preston family, come on down. Lead by william Shatner and Tom Skerrit. They are battling the forces of the Korbus family come on down, lead by Ernest Borgnine who plays an evil servant to Satan. For 300 years The Prestons have had in their possession a book that contains the names of all those who have given their souls to the big daddy Devil. Borgnine wants it and for some reason in all those years he has been unable to swap it from them. One must think that would be one large book, but it doesn't seem to be too heavy to lug around for Shatner. This movie is actually quite boring at times but the failed acting of Eddie Albert and ol' Billy Shatner makes for a good chuckle. There are flashbacks 300 years that show the pilgrims Shat and Borg verbally battling over souls of the Prestons and...blah blah. The best part of the movie is when Borgnine turns in to a horned goat-man. It is pretty sweet. Also the ending when Shat breaks open the Devil bottle freeing the souls and creating the Devils rain which melts all the worshippers in a waxy gooey slimy orgy of writhing bubbles and pus. This is the only time we see John Travolta and he is melting, though he is given headlining status. The melting lasts a long time. In fact I pooed, made a sandwich and bowl of chips, and wrote this review while the agony unfolded. Spoiler alert...The Devil survives in an insignificant character. A woman who is Tom Skerrits' squeeze. This movie could have been a half hour tops. It was worth it though to see Borg as a goat and any thing with Billy Shatness is worth price of admission.