The Norseman

The Norseman, or Noorzmun, as Lee Majors pronounces it, is arguably and without question in my mind one of the most spectacular examples of crappiest acting I have ever witnessed. Hooray. It is different then a John Travolta or Plan 9 from outer space acting in that it takes on a level of awkwardness that leaves you begging for a sequel. Some have even called this the worst movie ever made. They just aren't trying. Who funded this? Well it is a Faucett/Majors release. I thought it might be fitting to reduce this movie down to a list. Here are the top 5 best/worst things about this movie. Number 1. Deacon Jones is an African American Viking that wears the tongue of one of his enemies around his neck. That could be thought of as 1 and 2 but there are too many scenes to be considered in the top 5. Number 2. The mustache of Thorvald (Lee Majors). This glorious 1970's cookie duster transcends time and spreads Norse cred throughout the Vineland. Of course the Noorzmun had wonderfully groomed facial hair and many times they would actually glue beards on. Number 3. The Caucasian Native Americans with great

white teeth and matching loin cloths. At one point during a flaccid battle you can actually see wigs that have fallen off. Whenever they show them in a group there is a loop reel of a constant woo wooing overdubbed. Number 4. The overuse of slow motion running of our out of shape Norsemen on the beach, in battle, or just jumping off the boat. It gives you a chance to get a good look at their Halloween costumes. This leads us to Number 5. Their wonderful Halloween costumes. When they are creeping up on the Natives or even turning their heads, you can hear the banging of aluminum against aluminum masked as iron. And now a bonus number 6. The Wizard that accompanies them on their quest. It is said no one has ever seen the Wizards face,... except for us in every scene.

Narrated by Thorvald's 12 year old brother Eric, the premise of this film is that Thorvald must rescue their Father, King of the Norsemen, from the Indian encampment. From there on the movie is a motivational speech then a battle, then a speech, then a battle, then guys hit with arrows doing belly rolls off the ship, I counted 7, speech, then rescue, then end. There are some people who say that at one point you can see someone wearing a wrist watch. I haven't scrutinized this that close and don't know if I have the capacity to fully watch this again anytime soon though I love it so. If you have a chance to see it make sure you have some sleeping pills so you can match the pace. Truly truly one star.